The 5 love languages can help you build a fulfilling relationship that lasts by helping you show and receive love in a way that matters.
What is your love language?
You’ve heard this question before, right? More and more people are talking about their love language all over social media and in casual conversations.
They even joke about it: My love language is dad jokes!
There are five love languages and they are a real thing. They were first introduced in an amazing book by Dr. Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.
Chapman’s book was originally published in 1992 to outstanding success, and the lessons are still hugely beneficial for anyone interested in building or strengthening their relationships.
I talk about the lessons often as a dating coach and, once you know the five love languages, you’ll realize that we dive deep into many of them in posts, like How to Touch a Guy to Drive Him Absolutely Wild.
Today, I’d like to give you a deeper understanding of all of the five love languages. You’ll learn what they are, how to tell which love languages your man needs, which ones you need, and why they’re important in your relationship.
A little hint here…
These five love languages are important in all of your relationships: romantic, family, friendships, even work colleagues. Giving and receiving love is a major part of living a life you truly love. Understanding the love languages will help master this essential skill of life and relationship!
What Are the 5 Love Languages?
Each person has a primary love language that speaks to them. Some people do have secondary love languages they also enjoy and appreciate. We all naturally crave some more than others.
The tricky thing about love languages is that most couples don’t share the same one. Your partner’s love language may be completely different from your own. So if you’d love a healthier, closer relationship, I highly recommend you learn how to identify what they need and communicate what your needs are.
Here are the five love languages:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
1 — Words of Affirmation
When your primary love language is words of affirmation, you desire verbal validation from your partner. This can mean hearing them tell you how much they appreciate you or simple statements like “I love you.”
If words of affirmation are your man’s primary love language, you need to take some time to communicate the ways that they are a great partner. Tell them you appreciate the little things they do. Write them notes or send texts that reinforce how much you appreciate them.
Don’t wait for special occasions to tell them how valued they are. Make sure you take some time each day to give them the words they need. You might just make sure to text and call a few times a day or drop complimentary thoughts into your everyday conversations.
According to John Gottman, the magic ratio in communication is 5:1. That means for every negative interaction you have, there should be five positive ones. When you think about your communication skills with your partner, make sure that you’re giving them five times the positive verbal interactions as negative.
2 — Quality Time
If your primary love language is quality time, the way you most feel loved and appreciated is through devoted time together. This love language can be challenging for some partners because there are so many things that take up our attention. For some couples, making long distance relationships work can be challenging because you need to find ways to give and receive quality time when you’re not in the same location.
If your partner craves quality time, it’s important to set time aside regularly that’s just devoted to them. For young parents, it can mean scheduled date nights and some time together after the kids are in bed. For new couples, it might mean putting the phones away and just having deep conversations.
Choosing activities that you both share a common interest in can be a great way to spend quality time together. But essentially, it’s any time you can put your partner first and devote your attention to them – or when they do the same for you.
3 — Receiving Gifts
If your primary love language is receiving gifts, it’s important to you that your partner thinks of you when you’re not together. Little tokens and even larger gifts show you that you’re valued.
If your partner’s primary love language is in receiving gifts, don’t wait for special occasions to buy your man something. It doesn’t need to be extravagant. This love language is more about being valued and thought of than it is about being spoiled.
There is something I want to point out here, though. If your man’s primary love language is receiving gifts, giving him one too early may be a bad thing! I talk about that more in my blog post about one month anniversary gifts, but your man may want to shower you with gifts. Receiving them from you too early may make him feel competitive or like you’re falling for him much faster than he is for you.
As you build your relationship, you should also get clear on the gifts you want and will allow yourself to receive without guilt or reservation. For instance, a piece of jewelry might be a lovely gift well into the relationship. It might seem too forward early on. These are questions you should decide based on your comfort level. If your man’s love language is receiving gifts, you should make an effort to learn his comfort level, too.
4 — Acts of Service
If your primary love language is acts of service, those little things that he does for you tell you that you’re loved. Maybe he takes your car in to get it serviced for you or fills up the gas. Maybe he brings your favorite beverage in the morning without being asked.
If your man’s primary love language is acts of service, going out of your way to do things that make him feel valued will speak to him. Acts of service can be anything, but it’s about tuning into your man’s needs. So, if you’re making dinner, making sure it’s HIS favorite might be an act of service. Maybe you pick up his favorite snack at the store.
Anything that you put time and energy into to make his life more pleasant can be an act of service.
5 — Physical Touch
If your primary love language is physical touch, you need physical affirmation of your man’s affection. This can be a simple kiss, or one of those big, warm bear hugs, or snuggles on the couch. Of course, it can be more… steamy than that, too. 😉
But it’s important to know if your man’s primary love language is physical touch, that doesn’t mean everything has to be about sex! Of course, sex is important in a healthy relationship. But showing him you love him in his love language can be as simple as touching his arm when you walk past him or rubbing his shoulders when he looks tired.
Relationship Advice for Women: Speaking HIS Love Language
Every person has a primary love language. You have one, and so does your partner. Here’s the thing – most of us think the other person has the same one. It’s called projection. We project what we know we need onto the other person, thinking that’s what they need as well.
If your love language is words of affirmation, you might text your man sweet messages and tell him how much you love him. You do this because it’s what you need to hear. You think he’s the same way, so you’re trying to show him how much you value him.
The thing is, if your man’s primary love language is acts of service or physical touch, those nice words won’t really make him feel loved. He might appreciate that you said them, but they don’t meet the need he has for feeling valued.
How Do You Know What Your Man’s Love Language Is?
First, you can ask him! He may not know about the five love languages at all. And that’s okay, he still has one. You can talk with him about love languages specifically. Or you can just ask what makes him feel good.
There’s another sure fire way to know what your man’s love language is. It’s the one he showers you with! If he needs physical touch, he will most likely be a man who hugs and caresses you often. If he needs words of affirmation, he’ll be the guy that tells you often you’re beautiful and that he appreciates you.
When you understand your man’s love language, you can make sure to give him the love and affirmation he needs in the way that speaks to him. Using your own love language won’t make him feel as valued. If he’s not a words of affirmation person, hearing you say “I love you” is nice. But it won’t make him feel loved in the same way as his own language will.
The wonderful thing is that you can learn what his love language is and find ways to appreciate him in his own language. You should also help him to learn the language you speak, so he knows what you need from the relationship.
How a Relationship Coach Can Help You Speak His Love Language
Learning to speak your man’s love language is important. It’s an investment in learning what he needs and how to give him the love and care he deserves… and honor your own love language needs!
Of course, finding a man who’s committed to making you feel the love and care that you deserve, and creating an amazing relationship with that man takes more than just knowledge of love languages.
It’s critical as well to know how to dissolve the unconscious blocks, limiting beliefs and sabotaging behaviors that prevent you from finding your man, and creating your ideal relationship!
Which is exactly why I created the Manifest Your Man coaching program. 🙂
If you want to stop spinning your wheels and you’re tired of guessing what your man wants, needs and means, this coaching program is for you.
There’s no reason to play games or fall into the endless cycle of disappointing dates and relationships that don’t give you what you need.