Learn a 5-step process to make communicating your needs easy and effective.
“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” – Maya Angelou
Have you ever been in a relationship and felt like your man didn’t understand what you were really saying?
You’re not alone. If you want to know how to tell him what you want without feeling like you’re nagging or being needy, I’ve got the solution for you.
How do you give constructive criticism to your man without him feeling like he’s being put down or attacked?
This is a great question and one that men deal with, too. We struggle in the same way when we give feedback to the women in our lives. It’s natural to want your partner to give you what you desire. You deserve that. And there’s a way to approach the conversation that makes him receptive to your thoughts on a much higher level.
Your main focus to achieve the results you want is in developing your communication techniques. The trick is in navigating this kind of conversation to position it as positive feedback, rather than negative criticism.
That’s exactly what we’re going to discuss today. We’ll talk about how to speak your man’s language so that he understands what you really desire. When you use these steps, he’ll hear this as honest feedback, rather than criticism or something that lowers his vibration.
Then I’ll give you a 5-step process to tell him what you really want (and help you get it). This is a process that my wife developed. Irene gives me phenomenal feedback that’s helped me become a much better version of myself. And the process she uses can help anyone looking for a way to connect on that higher love frequency.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re nagging him, or he shuts down, and it creates a barrier, these tips will help you fix that.
If you want more tips on how to communicate with your man in a way he finds alluring, check out my free eBook, The 5 Feminine Qualities High Quality Men Find Irresistible.
How Do You Tell Your Partner What You Want?
Communicating what you desire is important in a relationship. After all, part of a relationship is about building each other up.
How can you support each other if you don’t honestly communicate the things that will help you or make you happy?
So, we want to talk about some healthy communication techniques. It’s helpful if you understand your man’s love language. There are 5 love languages (you can learn more about each by following the link).
Once you know which love language your man responds to best, you can learn to talk to him in the way that makes him feel most valued.
At the same time, make sure your man knows what love languages speak to you. No guessing games here. It’s unrealistic to expect your man to know what you desire if you don’t tell him.
The way that you talk to each other isn’t always something you think about, right? We learned to talk as small children. We often don’t think very much about the things we say or how we say them.
But what you say matters. The words you use make a difference in the mood and tone. The very vibration can change because you chose your words with intention.
The same can be said of your listening skills. If you ask your man a question, go into it with the intention to hear what he’s saying. To listen to the words and the meaning behind them.
When trust is broken, or there’s conflict in the relationship, healthy communication is the best way to fix it. Those fantastic skills that help you navigate conflict can also be used when there is none. Even when things are going super well, staying committed to connecting with your partner is part of showing them love, and loving yourself.
5 Steps to Tell Him What You Really Want
As promised, I’m going to give you the 5 steps for how to give your man feedback to get what you really want. If you use this process, he won’t feel criticized. You won’t constantly worry that you’re nagging him. And best of all, he won’t shut down.
When you learn to communicate effectively, it strengthens the bond you have. Instead of putting a barrier up between the two of you.
The 5 steps:
- Prime the Conversation
- Celebrate Your Man
- State What You Want
- Get Their Agreement
- Appreciate Him (Celebrate Your Man, Part II)
1 — Prime the Conversation
The first step is to prime the conversation. That means you’re getting him ready for the request you’re going to make.
When you give them leading clues that you are about to ask for something, it prepares them. This way, they’re much more likely to be receptive to your desire.
You’re not blindsiding them with a request out of the blue, or worse, a demand.
This is all about the phrasing. When someone hears a request without any priming or preliminary conversation, it can sound off-putting or harsh. They’re more likely to get defensive.
Think about it from their shoes. If someone, without any warning, said, “Hey, do this thing.”
You might take it as an order or a criticism of the way you usually do something.
You’re more likely to react negatively, rather than being in your best self when you respond.
As an example of priming, you might start with:
“Hey, babe, can I ask you a favor?”
“Can I ask for your help with something?”
Questions like those are priming because he automatically knows that something is going to be asked of him. There’s no judgment in the question. It’s just a request for something you would like.
These types of priming questions take the defensiveness out of the exchange.
2 — Celebrate Your Man
The second step is to celebrate your man. Acknowledge him for all the things he’s doing well.
This is especially important if words of affirmation are one of his love languages (mentioned above). But honestly, we all love to hear that we’re appreciated. By celebrating him, and showing him appreciation for the other things he’s done for you, it helps him open up to the request.
In other words, this positive reinforcement of his great qualities will make him more receptive to your current request.
You can compliment him on any number of things that he does well. It can also be helpful if you choose to acknowledge something in the category of the request. First, because this signals to him the type of request you’re making. Secondly, because this lets him know that there is no judgment.
You’re not criticizing him (one of the 4 Horsemen that sabotage relationships). You’re just asking him to be more of who he is that makes you so happy.
Let’s look at an example:
“Hey, Babe, can I ask for your help with something?”
He knows that there’s a request because the first question prepares him.
“Sure,” he replies.
“First, let me just say that I love how much you do around the house. You’re always helping me, and I’m wondering if you can help me with one more thing. I’d love it if you can make some time to hang the new curtains in the spare bedroom.”
If you pay attention to the way this request is asked, you’re celebrating what they do well (help around the house) and adding your request (to hang curtains).
Pro Tip: Use the word “and” instead of “but”…
Here’s a little tip I feel is important to share. There’s a difference between the conjunctions “and” and “but”. A lot of us use them interchangeably.
It’s so prevalent that most people don’t think about it. The sentences can even sound less awkward with the word, “but”.
In apologies and requests, it’s important to use the word “and”. Here’s why:
The word “but” in the middle of an apology negates the first part of the sentence.
If you say: “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you’re being oversensitive”.
That simple conjunction erases the apology. It says, “It’s really your fault for having your feelings hurt because you’re oversensitive”.
The same rule applies to requests. If you say:
“You’re great around the house, but I need you to hang the curtains”.
What you’re really saying is that you want a thing and the compliment wasn’t sincere.
When you use “and”, you’re reinforcing the compliment and asking for more of the same awesome thing.
3 — State What You Want
The third step is to ask for what you desire. This is really simple.
Once you’ve primed the conversation and celebrated him for how he’s shown up in the past, you make your request.
Make it clear and easy to understand. Another useful pro-tip is to follow up the request with the word “because”.
When you use the word “because”, it’s powerful. It gives them a reason that the thing is important to you. It also might give them a reason that it’s important for both of you.
So, in the case of hanging the curtains in the spare bedroom:
“You’re always helping me, and I’m wondering if you can help me with one more thing. I’d love it if you can make some time to hang the new curtains in the spare bedroom, because your mom is coming to visit, and I’d love it if that room looked nice for her.”
With the “because”, you’ve given him a reason the request is important. He can see how much it means to you.
That way of phrasing things helps him understand the reason behind the request, and it’s more likely to help you get the desired result.
4 — Get Their Agreement
The fourth step is to get their agreement.
With the first three steps, he’s going to be more likely to give his agreement. But remember, just because you want something done a certain way, that doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it.
There’s really no right or wrong way in a good relationship. Often, couples get preoccupied with little things that are more a matter of preference or opinion than factual.
For example: do you hang the toilet paper under or over?
Some people get really hung up on it (excuse the pun)! 🙂
Don’t get so focused on him doing it YOUR way. Appreciate the fact that he dedicated the time and effort to do the thing.
If you do have a preference for the way something is done, make sure you ask if he’d be willing to do that for you. Often those preference things aren’t that big of a deal, if you just make them known.
So the fourth step is asking the question, “Would you be willing to do that for me?”
You’re just making an open, honest, and sincere request.
5 — Appreciate Him (Celebrate Your Man, Part II)
The fifth step is to appreciate him. And I know you already celebrated him in step number 2, but you really want to do it again.
It’s just polite to thank someone when they’re doing you a favor, right?
That’s probably automatic — to say thank you. But reinforce that thanks with a hug or kiss on the cheek. And tell him, in words and actions, that you really do appreciate his help and that you value him.
Learn to Communicate in a Way That Men Find Irresistible
Today, we’ve talked a lot about the importance of healthy communication that helps you form even stronger bonds in your relationship.
You’ve learned some of the ways that you can use your man’s love language. And we’ve talked about the fact that the types of communication you use to fix a relationship can also be beneficial when the relationship is fine.
I’ve given you 5 steps to tell him what you really want that will actually encourage him to help you. A lot of this is really about using the right words. And I’ve given you a few tips for words to use and the types of words that might not be received well.
If you’re looking for more ways to communicate with your man to make him feel appreciated, I’d like to offer you a free gift. Check out my eBook, The 5 Feminine Qualities High Value Men Find Irresistible. This resource will help you amplify that feminine side of yourself that really speaks to your man in a way that captures his attention.
Think Bravely and Act Boldly!