Does it feel like your self belief is a tank that constantly needs filling?
No sooner does some event or situation make you feel more confident…
A great performance at work, a stretch of harmony in your relationship, feeling great in your body…
Before the default state returns, leaving you scrambling for the next “happening” that will bolster your confidence and self esteem.
Now, at first, you might read this and think: “Well, yeah. What else is there? Unless a steady stream of things happen that make me feel good about myself, where am I going to get confidence?”
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a boost of confidence from things going your way!
However, there’s a huge difference between an occasional boost and a steady belief in self from within. And yet, for most of us, the idea of self-belief that never wavers feels utterly foreign.
We’re so used to events temporarily lifting us up before dropping us back down again that it never occurs to us to “solve” the self-belief problem for good.
It seems like all we can do is string together as many uplifting events as possible––forever searching for outside things to replenish confidence that recedes like the tides.
But for some people, this simply isn’t good enough. The idea of living 80+ years “on the hook”, hoping for events to create and sustain a positive attitude, feels like emotional slavery. And honestly, it is!
If you would love independence from circumstances –– and to feel steady confidence in your abilities, on a personal and professional level –– then read on.
The flame that does not waver: Where natural self-belief comes from and how to tap into it.
First things first: If what we’re after is a permanent, lasting form of confidence, then the thing we have confidence in needs to be something that lasts.
And this is why the events of our lives –– no matter how fortunate or uplifting they can be –– are not capable of sustaining our self-belief.
It simply is not possible to get permanence out of something that is, by its very nature, temporary.
Sooner or later, the impact of external events always returns to zero. Either the events themselves change (such as a loss of money, or love, or success), or the confidence we received from them fades.
So the question is: What is something that, if our confidence were built on it, could create consistent self-belief?
What is there, in this world of constant change, that is actually permanent?
Lasting confidence comes from being grounded in your WHY and in what moves you closer to your vision––regardless of circumstances.
People with steady self-confidence haven’t figured out how to make everything go their way.
Their high spirits don’t come from a string of perfect outcomes that all panned out. It comes from them being connected, on a profoundly deep level, with the “why” behind what they do.
Or, when the steps that are immediately in front of them don’t necessarily connect with their “why”, they still act, knowing it will move them closer to their vision for a life they love.
This is why step #1 in my five-step process for How To Make Brave Decisions is “stop asking for advice.”
I’m not talking about basic, day-to-day things. It’s perfectly fine to get advice about what to do here or there.
What I mean is: stop asking for advice on what your vision should be. Or what you love. No one else can tell us that, because it comes from inside of ourselves!
Your “why” (the deep drives that never change) and your vision are the source of permanent confidence.
And the more your life rests on those foundations, the higher your chances are for true, lasting self-belief.
Now, in childhood, especially in the earlier years, this is actually the norm for every single one of us.
Everything we do, from building a sandcastle to reading a book to drawing a chalk masterpiece on the driveway, is what we genuinely want to do. For no other reason than we enjoy it.
The challenge is, as we get older, we’re trained to see most of what we do as a means to an end:
- K-12 school matters because colleges care about your grades
- College matters because employers care about your degree
- Employment matters because adults have bills to pay
Very little in the average adult’s life is done purely for its own sake. Rather than just as a bridge to something else.
Now, is there anything “wrong” with doing something as a means to an end? Are you breaking spiritual laws by working a job you don’t love to put food on the table? Of course not!
We all live in the world. And there are always practical necessities that we have to navigate and take care of.
The problem is, in tying your confidence to a specific outcome, you surrender any hope of self belief that sticks.
Why? Because there are always outside factors influencing whether any particular outcome happens. (Or when it happens.) It’s not just a matter of your own skill or will.
And if one outcome not happening is all it takes to topple your confidence, then you’ll never actually own it.
Maybe you’re thinking: “I would love to own my self-confidence, but what would that even look or feel like?”
Here’s an example of the confidence that comes from being truly connected to your “WHY.”
Imagine a seasoned marketer with two decades in the field.
She’s had success along the way––including multi-million-dollar campaigns she created from scratch.
And over the years, she’s also worked on projects that didn’t go as well. Including some that flat out failed.
Yet even when that happens –– a total flop –– this marketer’s confidence in herself doesn’t move very much.
If you asked her how she felt after a campaign that didn’t perform well, she might say: “Not great. I wish it had gone differently. But it’s part of the business. Plus, whatever doesn’t work reveals more about what does.”
Pay close attention to that last sentence. What she’s saying is:
“My confidence doesn’t come from how one campaign performs. It comes from my drive and passion to understand this market, this company, and this craft.”
And it’s exactly THIS — her “WHY” –– that keeps her confident in the face of setbacks.
Not her technique, her track record, or anything she specifically “does.” But simply her burning desire to crack the code.
This is a flame that does not waver. A foundation for confidence that no “event” can so much as lay a hand on.
Now, if you’re not “there” yet –– and your confidence does depend on performance, results, or recognition right now –– that’s okay!
Notice that. It isn’t where you need to stay, but it’s where most of us start out.
Part of what it means to develop a growth mindset is noticing the way things already are (and most importantly, why) before trying to change it.
The more clearly you see that your confidence currently does depend on day-by-day success, the more easily you’ll shift to having confidence in your deeper, truer self.
And again: there’s nothing wrong with success. Or with wanting it. Success brings significant benefits. It feels good to win. And that’s fitting! Enjoy it!
Achieve your goals one hundred fold. Succeed beyond your wildest dreams. Etch your name into history.
But if your confidence rises and falls with each success or failure, then what kind of confidence is it?
Our fictional marketer isn’t necessarily confident in today’s results going her way. She’s confident in being on the path to figuring out the game. And in knowing it’s only a matter of time.
Maybe her “WHY” started with a childhood fascination with how the mind works. Or a love of helping people finding powerful solutions to their problems. Whatever it is, it’s deep, personal, and permanent for her.
So, yes, success is thrilling. Recognition feels wonderful. But she is not emotionally hijacked by her results.
She’s actually most confident in the parts of her work that no one even notices––nevermind rewards.
What do YOU love like that? What do you gladly spend hours absorbed in, simply because exploring or expressing it gives you joy? What brings satisfaction even without any acclaim?
Don’t just latch on to the first answer that pops into your mind and move on. What’s important here is to connect with the essence of what moves you most.
To feel it, to bathe your mind in it, to come back to it, and to always be on the lookout for ways to live more from there than from your hunger for external rewards.
Again: it does get a little tougher to tune in with this part of ourselves as we get older. So here’s a simple exercise to get you started.
If you’re struggling to identify what moves you, try this three-step reflection:
First: Look for your “time warps.” What activities make you lose track of time? Not because you’re avoiding something else, but because you’re genuinely absorbed. This could be anything from analyzing data to having deep conversations to solving technical problems.
Next: Notice what you defend. What topics or causes do you find yourself advocating for, even when there’s no personal benefit? What injustices bother you enough that you actually speak up about them? These reveal your deepest values in action.
Finally: Identify your learning obsessions. What do you read about, watch videos on, or research purely out of curiosity? What rabbit holes do you willingly go down? These voluntary deep-dives often contain clues about your authentic interests.
Once your deepest inner drives start jumping out at you, dedicate just 15 or 20 minutes of daily reflection to asking: am I living from this place today?
When do you typically drift out of alignment with what brings you inner satisfaction, and begin craving for someone to recognize you? Or for some visible “success” to feel validated by?
Candidly, this may not be a pleasant experience at first. You will probably notice that your confidence is a lot less internal and grounded than you would like it to be.
This could very well be something that you have gone out of your way NOT to notice up until now.
So, be gentle with yourself. Where you get confidence from has been wired into you for decades. These are very deep patterns!
You’re not going to switch to a new source of self-belief immediately. (Positive affirmations may not be enough, either. True self-belief goes deeper than either positive self talk OR negative self talk.)
What you can do –– each time you notice your confidence start to depend on results –– is remind yourself of why you do what you do in the first place. The authentic, inner “why” that runs deeper than any outcome.
That’s the power of awareness: as it grows, your emotions and actions start to change automatically.
And before you know it, you’re comfortable in your own skin whether you’re successful or not!
If you want to reconnect with the part of you that doesn’t need applause, results, or permission to believe in yourself—the part that knows what it loves—then listen to my free Building the Vision of Your Dreams Meditation right now.
It’s designed to quiet the noise of “shoulds,” re-center you in what actually matters, and help you feel the energy of a life built from the inside out…in just 13 minutes.
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