3 Steps To Dealing With A Guy Who Reappears After Going Radio Silent On You For No Apparent Reason
If you’re actively dating in today’s day and age, chances are you’ve had the experience of a guy you’ve been talking to going radio silent… only for him to pop back up and begin texting you a few weeks later.
There are plenty of reasons a guy might disappear and then reappear like this, but it can most definitely be super frustrating to deal with.
I’ve had so many clients ask me what exactly to say when a “vanisher” comes back and starts texting again, and maybe you’ve wondered the same thing to yourself.
Should you give him some sass? Ice him out completely? Or just go out with him if he asks you?
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Here are three highly effective steps you can take when you hear from a guy you thought had disappeared for good!
STEP #1 FOR WHEN A VANISHER COMES BACK: Get yourself in the right mindset before you respond
Before you text anything back to him, you gotta make sure to get yourself in the right mindset – the “do NOT take it personally” mindset.
If a guy vanished on you, this says everything about him, not you. It’s really not about you at all. I promise.
Listen, your job when dating someone is to discover who they are and if they’re worthy of being your man, right? No big deal. So it actually really pays to take the emotional charge out of feeling blown off. There’s no need to feel prickly about it.
But that said, how do you get into the mindset of not taking this personally?
The secret is to get yourself into what I call a “love abundance” mindset.
For example: If you had five high-quality, amazing men all texting you, all wanting to take you out, and then one vanished and reappeared, you may barely even notice his presence again. And it wouldn’t feel like a big deal at all that he took off for a bit. You’d probably just be like, “Hey, how’ve you been?”
And this is because you’d be operating from a mindset of love abundance.
So no matter how many guys you have knocking at your door, shift your mindset to one on love abundance, knowing that there is plenty of love out there in the world for you, including love from the man who is your soulmate!
Coming from this mindset makes it much less of a big deal if a vanisher then vanishes again. Buh-bye, boy!
STEP #2 FOR WHEN A VANISHER COMES BACK: Feel free to be direct (and try the “porcupine” technique while you’re at it!)
Once you’re in the right mindset to converse with this guy, you’re ready to actually respond to him. And when you do, being direct is essential.
Really hear me on this point: assertive energy demands respect. So be polite, but be assertive.
Because here is the absolute truth: we teach others how to treat us by the treatment we’re willing to accept. So you may be willing to chat a little more with this vanisher, but be completely unwilling to accept this type of treatment again.
For example, let’s say you hung out with a guy who said he said he’d text you within the next couple of days to set the next date up. He’s radio silent for weeks, and then now he all of a sudden texts you saying what’s up or asking how you’ve been.
Keeping in mind that you’re coming from a mindset of love abundance, you want to respond with something like, “Having a great week!! You?”
Remember, you’re living a life you LOVE, with or without him, and you want to embrace and communicate that.
After that, maybe he’ll come up with a reason why he hasn’t been in touch, or maybe he’ll just say something like, “What are you up to this weekend?”
If he inquires about your plans but doesn’t actually ask you out directly, here’s when you can try the “porcupine technique.”
Imagine if someone threw you a porcupine. You’d probably want to get it out of your hands ASAP, right?! So if he throws you a “What are you up to this weekend?” instead of answering you can toss the response right back to him and say, “Why, what’s up?”
Now at this point, if he actually asks you out, you can say, “That could work. But can you give me a quick call when you have a chance?” When he calls, this is when you get to be 100% direct with him, and say something like:
“The last time we were hanging out, you told me you were going to call me in a couple of days and it’s actually been a couple of weeks, which is totally cool by the way. I just want to let you know that I’m really not interested in hanging out with guys who don’t follow through and guys who vanish and then reappear. I am interested, however, in hanging out with someone who follows through and does what it is that they say, and actually I find that sexy.”
This type of response is going to go a looooooong way for you because here’s the thing – he’ll either get defensive and bounce (in which case good riddance!) or more than likely, he’ll really, really want to live up to being someone who follows through… and someone who is sexy to you!
Either way, you’ll get a sense of the kind of man he is, if he’s worthy of you, by being direct.
STEP #3 FOR WHEN A VANISHER COMES BACK: Express your disappointment genuinely
Ask yourself, do you want to hang out with him again? If so, then you were probably sincerely disappointed when he vanished, because you liked him. So if you feel up to it, tell him so! And do this in a genuine but direct manner.
You could say something like, “You know, when you didn’t call me back, honestly, I was a little disappointed because I think you’re intriguing, I think you’re cool. But I’m not interested in hanging out with people who are vanishers. So I’d love to hang out with you again and I just want you to be honest with me… are you going to be the guy who says some things and then vanishes?”
By being both genuine in your disappointment while highly assertive, you’re being your best self, and asking him to rise to his.
So again, he’ll either dodge responsibility and get defensive, minimizing his behavior… OR he’ll take responsibility and reassure you that his vanishing act won’t happen again, giving you a reason to move forward with another date.
Either way, you win! You gain a true sense of him as a potential partner.
When you meet the RIGHT guy, he’s probably not gonna vanish on you…at least not twice!
Let me remind you of the #1 ultimate truth about courtship – when you actually meet Mr. Right, it’s really hard to screw it up with him. Things just flow and aren’t driven by conflict and frustration. That’s part of how you know he’s Mr. Right!
So if a vanisher does reappear on the scene and start reaching out to you again, as I shared with you, approach him lovingly but directly about it. He’ll either man up and show himself to be an awesome contender for long-term partnership, OR he’ll bounce for good, creating space in your life for YOUR man.
Because I assure you that your man is out there looking for you right now.
So stay true to yourself, stay true to your values, be assertive enough to stand up for those values, and that’ll put you on the path to the relationship you’ve always wanted!
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